Joy Express Read online

  “I wonder if they’ve found someone to take me home,” she said, those brown eyes pleading, begging me.

  “I know they’re working on it.” I longed to tell her, but if they didn’t approve it, or suggested a delay until I’d gotten stronger, she’d be so disappointed.

  She sighed.

  “You look cute in your jeans,” I said.

  “Feels good, that’s for sure,” she said. “Couldn’t I just go home with you? My granny said you were gonna save me.” She reached for my hand and held it tight.

  I winced at the slice in my heart. What could I say? I stifled a small gasp, but it caught in my throat and made me cough. My expression must have frightened her, because her eyes grew wide.

  Scott dropped to his knees in front of her. “We’d love to have you come to our house, Brenna. But Bailey’s just had twins, and she needs her rest. We’ll come and see you as soon as we’re settled and we’ve figured out how to take care of two babies at once. How’s that?” Scott to the rescue.

  “I’d love that. Bring the babies, OK?” She smiled, and then kissed him on the cheek. Her hand held mine in a tight grip. “Oh! I have presents for you,” she said and slid out of her chair. She opened the closet door and pulled out a gift bag decorated with little pink and blue cherubs. “I told Nurse Lipton that I wanted so badly to give gifts for the babies. She took me down to the gift shop and let me pick some things out. Wasn’t that great?” She slipped back into her chair next to me.

  “How sweet of you,” I said, swallowing another lump in my throat the size of Dallas.

  She set the gift bag in my lap.

  Scott remained on his knees in front of us.

  I pulled out the cutest little pairs of socks, one set pink and the other blue. Fuzzy little things. She’d also picked out a pink rattle, and of course, a blue one. The pink rattle end was a monkey head wearing a pink bow, and the other monkey wore a little blue ribbon bow tie. “How precious. I love them, and I know Paul and Helen will too. They’ll have warm feet while they play with their rattles. You are so thoughtful,” I said, and then kissed her forehead.

  “There’s something else,” she said, excitement dancing in her eyes.

  “Oh?” I looked into the bag, pulled out the decorative tissue paper, and saw a little box.

  “I noticed you always wear that cross necklace, and I thought this was kind of a match,” she said.

  The little black box held a small gold ring that widened in one place with a cross stamped into it. I couldn’t stop the tears.

  “It’s lovely, darling. I truly love this, and thank you so much.”

  She pulled the ring from its little nest, and slipped it on my right pinky finger. “Now you have a ring on both hands.”

  I held my hand out before me and tried to blink back the tears. I placed my left hand on Gran’s cross necklace, and my right hand atop it. “Always, Brenna.”

  “Brenna, do you know what the cross means? It’s not just a decoration to Bailey, or to me.” Scott held her hand.

  “Oh, yes. Granny told me all about Jesus on the cross. She helped me pray for Him to be my Savior. He’s the one I’m asking really hard to let me go home with you.” Brenna kissed the cross on my new ring.

  Scott cleared his throat. “Time to go.” He hopped to his feet and turned toward the door, but not before I saw his red face and watering eyes.

  How could we leave her?

  20

  Settling in with the babies at home was a welcome time in my life, but the thought of Brenna was always in the forefront of my mind. Three days passed and Brenna’s release date loomed with no resolution as to where she would stay. In my mind’s eye, I had the Adirondack room redecorated to reflect the child’s love of Anne of Green Gables.

  Both babies slept peacefully and I thought I should start some laundry. Mundane chores seemed so strange. Put in a load of towels, remember the racing drive in the back seat of my father’s car. Take ingredients out of the refrigerator to start supper, remember what was behind the bathroom door at the cabin. Would I ever be able to concentrate, or just be in the moment anymore? Seemed I was always somewhere else.

  Even rocking and feeding my beautiful babies found me spacing out and returning to the scene of the crime. I wondered when things would be normal again. Normal. That was a word that no one could ever say was true since I’d wandered down Exit 477.

  The phone rang.

  I rushed to answer before waking the babies.

  “Mrs. West? This is Jenny Oak from Social Services. We wanted to inform you that we’ve cleared Brenna Bailey to go into your care when she’s released from the hospital. Now you must understand that this is temporary. Given her frail condition, and her repeated pleas, we feel it’s best to send her home with you. We need you to come to the hospital and be briefed on her condition, her care, and what to do in case her condition worsens. Can you come to the hospital tomorrow morning?” Mrs. Oak clipped her sentence as if she had a million other calls to make.

  “Of course, we’ll be there. Thank you,” I said. Questions crowded my brain, but I thought they should wait until the meeting at the hospital tomorrow.

  Brenna was coming home!

  Nothing’s ready. We hadn’t even put up a Christmas tree. At least the front porch would greet her with lights and the wreath Tracy hung. What would she need in the way of medical equipment? I breathed a prayer that we could get it together before she got here.

  Scott came in the back door. “Why is your face so red?” He took the phone receiver from my hand and hung it up.

  “It is?” I reached up to feel my cheeks with both hands.

  “Yes, is everything ok?” Scott put his arm around me.

  “I think so. Social Services just called to inform me that Brenna can be released into our care, temporarily. We have to go to a meeting in the morning to learn how to take care of her.” I sat down on the couch.

  “Oh, OK.” He sat down next to me.

  His tone didn’t match his support of our decision. Was he having second thoughts?

  “Temporary? What does that mean? They aren’t giving a prognosis about how much time she has left, are they?” He took off his cap.

  “The lady just said she’s frail, and that she pleads to come here.”

  “Oh.”

  “I can’t read your responses,” I said.

  “Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally behind bringing Brenna home, but I have to admit I didn’t think it would happen. I’m sorry, Bailey, it’s just that I don’t want things to be too much for you.”

  “Too much, how?”

  “Don’t make me say it, sweetie. She’s a very sick little girl. I don’t think you can handle it if,” he began, shook his head and stood. He pulled me to a stand and wrapped his arms around me.

  “Don’t say it. I know it might happen, but she’s better now, and I know she may be in and out of the hospital, and I know she might get taken away from us. But it’s the right thing to do. I know you know that, no matter how hard it is. It’s, it’s...” I said, nuzzling into his chest.

  “It’s who we are.” Scott placed his hands on my shoulders and pulled me slightly away to look in my eyes.

  “It’s who we are,” I repeated.

  “Remember, too, it’s Whose we are that puts us on solid ground with this. We have to trust God for this to work out His way, and we have to do it moment by moment.”

  His shaking voice didn’t match his wise words.

  21

  You’d think their little bodies would just give out after a night of crying and not nursing. But no, my sweeties had a horrible night, were still wide awake at 7:00 AM, and none of us, including Scott, had any sleep.

  We’d been given a few more days before Brenna would come home. Something about paperwork.

  We’d planned to get the laundry done, load the dishwasher, and get showers that night. All those things went by the wayside with the twins. It took both of us to get through the night, but exhaustio
n wore both our nerves thin.

  “Maybe a warm bath,” I said.

  Scott sat cross legged on the bed holding Paul, who fussed and squirmed. I almost laughed at the disheveled hair and beard shadow that framed his sleepy face.

  “Anything,” he said, with a yawn he didn’t even bother to cover.

  We headed into the hallway toward the kitchen and I nearly tripped over the pile of laundry.

  “Really? In the middle of the floor? I could have dropped her,” I snapped.

  “It’s not as if I wasn’t headed to the laundry room when you hollered for help, Bailey. I’ve been in the bedroom with you ever since, and I forgot all about the pile of laundry.” He stepped over Mount Laundry and we made our way into the kitchen.

  “For crying out loud,” Scott whined, and handed Paul to me. “The sink is full. Let me clear it and we’ll bathe them.”

  I sighed as though it was all his fault. Mean, but I was so tired.

  “Didn’t you ask Tracy to come by and help you with all this? Not like her to abandon us,” Scott said.

  “No, you asked her, not me. She’s not at your beck and call now that she’s working at Barkley House, Scott. Besides, I’d have gotten all caught up if it weren’t for these two little munchkins.”

  “Well, where’s your mother, then?” He practically threw dishes into the dishwasher.

  “How could you, Scott? After all they’ve done for us? Mother simply had to go back to work. I have to learn to handle this on my own, after all. Especially with Brenna coming in a few days,” I said, letting emotion warp my tone of voice.

  He whipped around, dishwater dripping on the floor. “Exactly.”

  The reality of my incompetence dropped on me like an after-game dousing, except there was no victory in sight. I thought I could handle all this. That familiar, rising anger that I’d been dealing with stung like acid against the back of my throat. I tried to practice the anxiety and stress relieving techniques that Michele taught me in our sessions. Truth was that I just didn’t want to. I wanted to lash out. But at whom? God? My dead father? Scott? To keep from saying something I’d regret, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. The explosion didn’t happen, just tears.

  Scott made an exasperated sound, dropped to his knees with a dishtowel and wiped up the spills.

  He’s getting tired of me. I’d promised in our marriage covenant to only bring good to him, never harm. That promise was already broken. Who could blame him for not wanting to be steeped in this mess?

  My crying agitated the babies, who ramped up their royal fuss to higher decibels. All three of us sat at the kitchen table, bawling our eyes out.

  Scott finished cleaning out the sink and started the water running to fill for their baths.

  The doorbell rang.

  “Thank God,” Scott said. “Surely the cavalry has arrived.”

  I followed him down the hall. He hopped over the laundry pile. I was tempted to kick it out of the way, but I had both babies in my arms. If someone could just hold Paul and Helen for half an hour and let Scott and I get control of this mess, that’d be good.

  Scott flung open the door and his jaw dropped.

  I gasped. I became acutely aware of his rooster hair, unshaven shadow, as well as my two day old nightgown and no makeup.

  “Barbara Okeke, Social Services,” the woman said, extending her hand through the front door. Her dark caramel skin and deep brown eyes glowed under an intricate African-style headdress. A pencil jutted from the top of her right ear. Her conservative navy business suit was accented with a colorful beaded necklace. She held an official looking clipboard in her other hand.

  Not a peep came from our throats. Even the twins were quiet.

  “Is this a bad time?” She recoiled her extended hand and wrapped it around the clipboard. She craned her neck to look behind us.

  “Oh, no, um, sorry. Please, come in.” Scott said, and stepped back.

  I managed to seat myself on the couch, still holding both babies.

  “It’s just that we didn’t know anyone was coming from Social Services. We had a bad night with these two,” I said.

  “Adorable. May I?” She set the clipboard on the coffee table and reached for Paul.

  “Of course,” I said. Lord, have mercy on us. His diaper was soaked.

  She stood in front of me with Paul.

  Scott picked up Helen.

  “It’s just a formality. I have to present a report of the living conditions that Brenna will be coming to,” she said, and then added, “presumably.”

  “You mean it’s not a done deal?” I asked, clutching at the top of my gown trying to look decent.

  “I believe you were told it is temporary? Nevertheless, the report has to be filed before she can be released into your care.” She handed Paul to me.

  At least the babies weren’t screaming.

  “This isn’t normal, Mrs. Okeke. We usually have help. It’s just that they were up all night, and so were we.” Scott motioned her to sit in the recliner next to the couch.

  “It’s ‘Miss’, but please call me Barbara. Of course not. Normal is not well, normal, when you bring twins home for the first time, especially after what you went through, Mrs. West.” She retrieved the pencil from behind her ear and scribbled something on the clipboard.

  “Well, what do you need to know?” Scott sat next to me, rocking Helen back and forth.

  “Basically, I just need to walk around and view the surroundings, evaluate the appropriateness for Brenna. And I’ll need to ask you a few questions, as well as interview your family members. It’s a concern that you, Mrs. West, may not be up to the challenge of a seriously ill child on your hands in the midst of all this,” she said, extending her hand from the babies to the pile of laundry.

  “Bailey, please, Barbara, and I assure you I’ve weighed the pros and cons. So has my husband. We can manage. She needs us.” Now would be the time for Scott to back me up, but he sat silent.

  Barbara Okeke just nodded. “Well, let me get this over with and get out of your hair. Please sit here, if you don’t mind. I won’t be long.” She stood, stepped over the pile of laundry, and headed down the hall.

  “Um, there’s water all over the floor,” she said, stepping back over the laundry, which was now soaking wet. We’d left the bath water running in the kitchen sink.

  Scott handed Helen to me, sprinted past her, slipped and fell, hit his head on the wall, and sprawled in front of her.

  “Are you all right?” she asked.

  “Ouch!”

  I stood, both babies in my arms, and attempted to walk around the pile.

  He sat up and rubbed his head. “I’m fine, thank you very much,” he whispered.

  “Bailey, you stay there,” Barbara said.

  I didn’t like her tone. Sleepless, nightgown clad, and irritable, it felt as if she was ordering me around. This couldn’t get any worse.

  She tiptoed around Scott, went into the kitchen, turned off the water, and then took off her suede flats. She set her shoes and the clipboard on the closest kitchen chair.

  “Oh, no. I hope they’re not ruined,” I said.

  Scott glared at me with a look that seemed to say, I’m sitting here with a knot on my head, and you’re worried about her shoes?

  Barbara walked back into the hallway on bare feet, and went to the pile of wet clothes. She kicked some of them toward Scott. “Walk on those so you don’t slip down again.” She kept shoving clothes toward him.

  Hopelessness enveloped me. They’d never let Brenna come home to this chaos. Maybe that was best, but a profound sadness weakened me. I took the twins and perched on the couch. I tuned out Scott and Barbara Okeke, who was walking around the house scribbling on her clipboard. She went upstairs. At least the room we’d planned to put Brenna in was clean, if not decorated the way I wanted. The room she’d probably never use.

  She’d asked me to stay on the couch, but my babies were both asleep, so I defied orders and took
them to our bedroom to put them in their cribs. I thought about jumping in the shower, but figured it made no difference now. Whatever test Barbara came for, we’d obviously flunked. The babies always woke up when I got in the shower anyway. Maybe she’d leave and I could get a nap before they woke up. Oh, wait, no, the laundry pile. Whatever.

  I thought of Brenna and her favorite book. I’d seen the Anne of Green Gables movie. There was a line that went something like “my life is a graveyard of buried hopes.”

  Yep, and Scott and my babies did not deserve any of this.

  #

  Bailey disappeared into our room with the twins while Barbara Okeke finished her “evaluation”. I didn’t bother to retrieve Bailey when it was time for Barbara to leave. I knew she was overwhelmed.

  “Thanks, Mr. West. I’m sorry to have shown up at such a bad time. I didn’t have twins, but I do remember how difficult even one could be. I have two sons.” She shoved her pencil over her ear.

  “I assure you it’s not like this all the time. We just had a bad night. We do have a lot of help, just not today.” I held her wet shoes in my hand and opened the front door for her.

  “I’m sure. It’s not so much the baby chaos that concerns me. It’s your wife’s state of mind. I may be assuming too much, but her ordeal sounds terrifying and one that would not be easily gotten over.” She reached for her shoes.

  Every fiber in my being wanted to support Bailey and Brenna in this. But I was worried about my wife. I didn’t know what to say.

  “I’d like to pay for those shoes, Barbara. I’m really sorry about that whole mess.”

  “No need. They aren’t expensive, and they may dry out all right.” She smiled.

  “So, will your evaluation hurt us or help us?” I had to ask.

  “The home is more than adequate. Miss Brenna is begging to be sent here. It could only be a benefit to her. But again,” she began.